Welcome to Anoka County USA

Another activity filled weekend at 20 Prospect. We are in the midst of the fall sports season, so the weekend was spent chanting dark incantations around the pool with the swimming cult, and sacrificing small animals to the hockey God’s at the SuperRink-TM.

Lil’ Miss 20 Prospect had another swim meet this weekend, in the far flung northern reaches of Anoka County, “Home of the Mullet Since 1982”. Anoka, or “El Norte” as some call it, is what can best be described as an “Ex-urban” area, meaning it is a rural county that in the last 10-15 years has become home to more and more suburbanites, looking for cheap land to build starter castles. The result is a bizarre amalgamation of soccer Mom’s, and bait shops.

To Twin Citians, Anoka is synomous with the redneck lifestyle. Our late governor, Jesse “the Mouth” Ventura, won Anoka handily during his surprise election. Which should not have surprised anyone, as professional wrestling is right in the Anoka County wheelhouse.


Of course, as a contrairian, I kind of have a soft spot in my heart for Anoka County. Living in the far southern fringe of the county, I have some affiliation with it. Although I lack the snowmobiles, and pickup truck required to make me a true Anokan, I compensate by using my wardrobe of acid wash jeans, and Slayer T-shirts to fit in. Anoka County gets a lot of grief, and folks look down their snooty noses at it, but I have to say most residents I have met love the place, and don’t much care what some yuppified resident of Minneapolis thinks of us. Besides, Slayer Rawks!

I am proud to report that lil’ Miss 20 P lowered her personal best times in all of her events on Saturday. Which was a relief, as I hate to make her sleep in the dog’s crate when she doesn’t. I know, parenting is all about tough love. She has to learn the tough lessons, that Mommy and Daddy don’t love slow kids. That’s just what good parents do. (Relax. I’m kidding!) No, she swam her little heart out, and we were very proud, not just because of her times, but because of how hard she worked to achieve it.

Now we are torn. Do we let her swim the 2012 Games in London, at age 12, or do we hold her back to the 2016 games in Rio? Sure, 12 is young to be in the Olympics, but her coaches know a guy who can fake the necessary documents. It would be a good experience for her, and help her to be prepared when Rio comes around and she is favored to win the Gold. Man, swim parenting is all about tough decisions. Agassi’s Dad had it easy.

As for 20 Prospect Jr., he will be leaving us soon for a great Canadian boarding school that focuses on developing those all important hockey skills, like fighting. That’s the problem with the youth game in the U.S. All these mamby-pamby soccer Mom’s have taken the toughness out of the sport. They make the kids wear facemasks for cryin’ out loud! How are they going to learn to fight if they can’t hit each other in the face? It’s no wonder we haven’t won Gold since 1980.

So as you can see, life is busy at 20 Prospect now that the Front Porch has been packed up for the winter. So forgive the short post today. Our regularly scheduled pathetic prose, poor punctuation, and embarrasing stories resume tomorrow.


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