Men’s Room Etiquette

I’m not a big doom and gloomer. I don’t spend my days trolling the internet for further signs of the apocalypse, or collapse of western civilization. As a culture I think that we have a tendency to be a little self centered. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we assume the past was some idyllic Eden from which our iniquities have exiled us. Well, I’m enough of a history geek to know that’s not true. And when it comes to the decline of western civilization, well, let’s just say that there’s a reason pr0stitution is called the world’s oldest profession. In my opinion, mankind crawled up out of the primordial ooze a few million years ago, looked around, shrugged, and crawled right back in. We’ve been there ever since.

That said, there is something that I feel we need to discuss. It’s a topic that has been weighing on my mind for some time, and well, I think I need to clear the air. Because frankly, I am beginning to worry that the pillars upon which our great civilization rest, are beginning to crumble. It has come to my attention that somewhere during the course of my lifetime people have seemed to forget the rules of bathroom etiquette. And by “people” I mean men, because I am not exactly in the habit of hanging out in women’s rooms. At least not since the restraining order.

For that matter I am not exactly in the habit of hanging out in men’s rooms either. That sort of deviant behavior is best left to pop stars and members of congress.

No, what I am going to share is wisdom gleaned from years of business travel with a small bladder. Or an enlarged prostrate. The jury is still out on that one. So without further ado, here are:

The 20 Prospect Golden Rules of Men’s Room Etiquette:

  1. Just because the stall has a resemblance to a phone booth does not mean it is one. Hang up. Unless you’re talking to a perv, chances are that the person at the other end of the line would hurl if they knew what you were doing.
  2. Conversation is not appreciated. I did not come here to make friends, and if you did, I am obviously in the wrong kind of bar.
  3. Eye contact. See #2
  4. Do not talk on the cell phone while standing at the urinal, unless something has become stuck in the plumbing and you are dialing 9-1-1 to summon the jaws of life.
  5. If there are more than 2 urinals, and one of them is occupied, do not choose the one right next to the occupant. Seriously. That creeps people out.
  6. Same goes for stalls, you perv.
  7. You are not Fonzie, and this is not your office.
  8. Do not blow your nose in the sink. You are no longer living in rural China. This is why civilization invented tissues… and sleeves.
  9. Put the toilet seat up before you pee. Did your mother teach you nothing? Jeez…
  10. Pants around your waist, not your knees. Or ankles. Unless I am in the wrong kind of bar. In which case, please excuse me. I’m not that comfortable with my sexuality.

Thank you. This concludes our public service announcement. Now back to the regularly scheduled programming.


11 thoughts on “Men’s Room Etiquette

  1. “Do not blow your nose in the sink.” That’s fantastic. While I’ve never seen that one, I’ll share with you one of my own, gleaned from bar-bathroom experience:

    11) Please do not masturbate next to me, or in the urinals. If you must, and please note that you’ve got a great reason to see a psychologist, please use the stall and try to be silent like a testosterone-filled ninja.

  2. While I won’t admit to being in the mens room for more than a major emergency once I am all over the lift the seat rule.
    Nothing says good morning like sitting down on a seat full of ice cold pee.

  3. Indeed!!

    I should have read this first and given even better pointers for the washroom email to my co-workers.! Though… we have no urinal, and I don’t even want to know if your reader’s suggested #11 is taking place at work.

    I sure as hell hope not, since I am the only female and wouldn’t want to be associated somehow (’cause, ya know, I’m hot).

    Hope your comments section allows those a tag things, otherwise I am going to look like a douche for gobble-dee-gooking up your site.

    Thanks for stopping by the blog… I have to read your archives now.

    • Yeah, you’d think Buffalo Wild Wings would be advertising #11 in their TV commercials. It might attract a whole new demographic to their restaurants.

      Thanks for visiting. I enjoyed your blog.

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