Everything I know about Scotland I learned from Groundskeeper Willie


Ya cheese eating surrender monkey!

Well folks, I’m off to Scotland in the morning. Err… I mean “Oft tae Scutlind ere the morn”, or something like that. I’m terrible at the Scottish accent. So I’ve decided to list the sum total of my knowledge about Scotland, a place I’ve never had the pleasure of visiting.

They make Scotch.

They drink Scotch.

They wear kilts.

They drink Scotch.

They play the bagpipes.

They drink Scotch.

They eat Haggis

They drink Scotch.

They play golf.

They drink Scotch.

They see the Loch Ness Monster.

They drink Scotch.

I’m not sure, but I think the Scotch is directly related to the Haggis, Golf, and the Loch Ness Monster. To be honest, I’m with them on everything but the golf. That one I just don’t understand. I could probably be persuaded to wear a kilt, and play the bagpipes, but I draw the line at golf. They don’t make enough whisky for that.

So I’m packing my kilt, my tweed coat, and my tartan plaid, and getting ready for a trip to Bonnie Auld Scotland. I will be in Edinburgh for 5 days, soaking up Scottish culture.

And Scotch.

You can look forward to the insightful, subtle, cultural commentary you have come to expect from my previous business trips. I just hope this trip goes better than my visit to France last year.

Warning: The cheese eating surrender monkey's have no sense of humor

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13 thoughts on “Everything I know about Scotland I learned from Groundskeeper Willie

  1. I think you’ve got it. By jove, I think he’s got it!!!

    (bad English accent to compliment yours)

    Now I’m all curious what you do that ships you to Scotland. I avoided a trip to Wisconsin last week, but I’d definitely leave the country to drink scotch.

    Mmmm scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch.

    (the more you write it, it looks like crotch)

  2. Hmmm… this is a tough question to answer. My typical answer to the question ‘What do I do?” is “As little as I can get away with.” but I’ve already given you enough wisecracks, so I’ll try to be serious now.

    (Clears throat. Sits up straight in chair)

    I am an agent for the FBI assigned to investigate paranormal phenomena…no wait! That’s Fox Mulder…

    DAMN! It was worth a shot… OK, seriously now. I am a Mechanical Engineer by schooling, but it has been so long since I used my education, that I don’t consider myself an engineer anymore. If I ever really was one. (That’s debatable) Now I’m a Mid Level Manager, for an Anonymous corporation, trying to stay employed for at least another 10 years until the kids are through with college. Then I’m getting the hell out of Corporate America with what little of my soul is left.

    Anyway, as you can see by the links I added in the post, my global management responsibilities have given me the pleasure to travel to Europe and Asia, where I can exploit the indigenous peoples, and oil the gears of capitalism with their blood, sweat and tears.

    It’s a living.

    I’m curious. Why did you avoid a trip to Wisconsin? That is like my favorite place in the entire world. (No seriously. It fits me like a comfy old sweatshirt)

    Sorry for the long response to a short question, but it’s Friday morning, and I am trying to avoid work as long as possible. Oh sh!t, here comes the boss!

    • Ah, fancy. My title nowadays is (checking card… please hold) “E-Commerce Programmer”. I think that means “Watcher of all internet videos and reader of comics” because that’s a lot of what I do.

      The trip to Wisconsin was thwarted because I planned so well that my daughter’s first birthday fell on the day they planned us to leave after over a month of changed dates. I really showed them, with my awesome planning skills.

      Make meetings that I’m disinterested in, and before you know it, I will bear offspring just to get out of it.

      Yeah, I’d have gone though. I like the idea of lots of cheese and pasture, and I love to wear sweat-shirts and stuff. The Canadian accent is one of my worldwide favorites, so it seems a good fit.

      The thing is, sir, I hate to be cold, and there was a good chance I wouldn’t be drunk for it.

  3. Last time I was in Scotland I stayed at a hotel that was connected to what I am assuming is the best bar in Scotland – Biddy Mulligans.
    Bad things happened.

    • Hmm… If by “Bad things happened” you mean you woke up the next day dressed like an Elf, lying next to an Emperor Penguin, with radio playing 500 Miles by The Proclaimers on infinite repeat, I’ll take that as a recommendation for the place.

    • Don’t worry, I packed a spare liver in my carryon bag.

      And yes, sometimes being a soulless corporate automaton has it’s perks!

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