As I have mentioned before, I was never much good at meeting girls. Being a shy introverted pimply faced teen, even getting within speaking distance of a pretty girl was difficult, much less forming actual words and syllables in their presence. I was not the only pimply faced teenager facing this problem, nor was I the first. For as long as man has walked the earth he has focused all the fiber of his being on a single purpose.
However, once he mastered the procurement of beer, he turned his focus to the softer sex. Then he would choose the pretty girl of his choice, club her over the head and drag her back to his cave. In this manner the human race was fruitful and multiplied, and peopled the Earth.
But as history has shown the courtship of woman did not get any easier. Somewhere along the line, some “enlightened” male put down the club, and spoke with a girl, spoiling it for the rest of us. Since that day man has struggled to find the right words to court and seduce his mate. In the middle ages we had Cyrano de Bergerac hiding in the bushes, feeding pickup lines to his more handsome Avatar to woo his fair lady. Which was totally understable since he was wearing tights.
In more recent times man added dancing into his repertoire in the hopes of finding a non-verbal way to seduce a lady. This approach showed some progress until John Travolta got his Sexy on in a polyester leisure suit and straight men everywhere said WTF?.
By the time of my youth in the early 80’s young men had resorted to less flamboyant, and humiliating schemes. In those halcyon days, to seduce the girl of his choosing a boy first had to convince her to drink several bottles of Mickey’s. This was no small feat given the fact that Mickey’s was a mixture of Malt Liquor and furnisher polish. Not only did he have to somehow convince her to drink such vile fluid, he had to carefully gauge how much she drank. It was a fine line between getting a girl drunk enough to lower her standards, but not so drunk as to throw up on him.
Not that we let that discourage us for long.
Gradually, civilization evolved, and invented Franzia, and pimply faced teenage boys rejoiced. A boom in teen pregnancy soon followed, along with the introduction of the Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler.
But civilization does not stand still. Technology has advanced and mankind now has laptop computers, iPhone thingies, and the Interwebz. This has not only opened up vast new sources of midget p0rn, it has also changed the way we communicate. In this age of the Twitter, and the Facebook, today’s pimply faced teenager must first navigate the labyrinth of social media to find a suitable mate, before he can even hope of filling her full of Franzia.
And so in the spirit of the never ending progress and the further evolution of mankind, I am proud to present, the Top Ten Pickup Lines for Social Media. No longer will today’s pimply faced youth need to resort to sending Twipics of his private parts. Now he can cut and paste, and be on his way to a cold box of Franzia, and an STD.
Top Ten Social Media Pickup Lines
10.) Let’s go back to my blog so I can show you my widget.
9.) Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here? Let me open another MS Window.
8.) Want to see the size of my bandwidth?
7.) Oh baby, you put the face in Facebook.
6.) Is that your hard drive, or your kitty I hear purring?
5.) That’s not a stylus in my pocket, I’m just happy to see you.
4.) Oh honey, why don’t you come over and backup my hard drive.
3.) That’s not a close up of a one eyed bald man in my Twitpic!
2.) Hey baby, I’m typing this with one hand
Of course, there is no need to stop at just ten. Feel free to suggest your own. That’s why God made the comment box.