The Secret Life of Dogs


Moxie and Maggie

Moxie: OK, they’re gone. Quick downstairs!

Maggie: Why? What’s up?

Moxie: We need to get on the computer before the peoples come back.

Maggie: What’s a computer?

Moxie: You know that thing on the desk.

Maggie: But owner says we aren’t supposed to get on the desk

Moxie: No stupid, were not climbing ON the desk, we’re just going to use the computer

Maggie: You mean eat it?

Moxie: No! Jesus, is food all you ever think about?

Maggie: Sorry, I have a very active metabolism

Moxie: We are going to use the computer to buy something.

Maggie: You mean like food? How are we going to do that?

Moxie: No, enough with the food already. Here’s the deal, I’ve been watching the Boss, and I memorized her credit card number. I’m going to order us some guns.

Maggie: You mean those things the kids shoot those chewy orange treats out of?

Moxie: Yeah, kind of like that, except instead of foam darts these will shoot bullets.

Maggie: Are they tasty?

Moxie: No, they cut into things and kill them. Think of them like teeth that fly through the air, and bite things.

Maggie: Cool. What kind of things? Food?

Moxie: No, the Siamese cat next door.

Maggie: What about Sqwerlz?

Moxie: Yeah, yeah, them too.

Maggie: …because I really don’t like sqwerlz…

Moxie: OK, OK, go watch the door and let me know if anyone is coming

Maggie: …they’re always, like, running up the sides of things…

Moxie: Hey what’s our shipping address?

Maggie:…it’s just unnatural I tell ya…

Moxie: Oh, nevermind.

Maggie: …I mean, have you seen how they wave those bushy tails? Really creeps me out.

Moxie: What was that?

Maggie: Their tails, they really freak me out…

Moxie: No, that noise!

Maggie: What noise?

Moxie: It’s the garage door, the peoples are back! Quick, get upstairs!

Maggie: Hey! Do you think they brought food?

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10 thoughts on “The Secret Life of Dogs

  1. As long as you dogs stop assaulting the expensive oriental rugs and chewing the legs off our furniture we’ll be okay.
    Also, stop trying to kill the mailman, he’s getting a complex

    • The little one acts all innocent, but I have no doubt she’s the brains of the operation. The big one is just a thug. They’re starting to scare me.

    • Just so long as our Guinea Pig doesn’t turn into a preachy Alan Alda, I’m OK with that.

      That Marlo Thomas album has to be a generation X thing. Those songs are stamped into my subconscious like Big Bird, Bert and Enrie, and the Trolley from Mr. Rogers.

      • My wife bought the CD for my daughter a few years ago. I forgot just how much I loathed Rosey Grier’s “It’s all right to cry”. When I was 9 I used to get bullied by kids who would sing that to me, as they tried to make me cry. I always felt that he should have clarified that it’s only OK to cry if you are a 250 lb defensive lineman. Needlepoint this fatso…

    • You know who else is fascinated by Sqwerlz? Chinese tourists. I was in Niagara Falls for a conference last year, and saw a bunch of Chinese tourists standing with their backs to the 7th wonder of the natural world, as they snapped photos of the sqwerlz.

      We have a lot of visitors from China at work, and they look at us like we are letting perfectly good food run all over the yard.

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