The rising sun was glowing like gold through the hazy ice fog on my drive to work this morning. It seems like overnight we have switched from autumn into full on winter. This can only mean one thing: the Holiday Season will soon be upon us. With its red and green trim, and joyful caroling, the holidays will arrive amidst the long dark winter evenings, and warm our hearts with hopes of spiritual, and psychological re-birth. Call it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Winter Solstice, or whatever name your culture has given it, this is a time when we all celebrate the turning away from the black pits of despair, and back towards the light of life. Unfortunately, this is also the time where we suffer the deepest, and darkest of all of life’s experiences.
The holiday party.
Oh, sure, I know there are some disturbed people out there who look forward to getting together with co-workers, extended family, old friends, and total strangers, to make small talk, and share a cup of holiday cheer. These people are usually referred to as being “social”, but we all know it is really just a pathetic cry for help. No, despite the joy of the season, there is nothing worse than having to dress up in itchy clothes, in ridiculous holiday colors, and stand around making small talk with Aunt Bertha, or Jimmy the Close Talker from Accounting. In my life, I have tried everything short of self inflicted gunshot wounds, to get out of these parties. Alas, it has usually been to no avail. Instead I end up sitting at a table next to the wife of some colleague, listening as she blabbers on ad nauseam about the academic and athletic achievements of her demon spawn. No amount of wine or beer can make you numb enough to sit through 3 hours of that.
However, if you happen to be one of my co-workers I was totally referring to the wife of that weird guy in purchasing, not you.
So for all of those who will find themselves trapped in the living room, learning way more about Uncle Charlie’s bunions than any person should know, I offer the following.:
Top Ten Lines for Escaping Uncomfortable Social Situations
10.) I almost didn’t come to the party tonight, but I figured, why let a little contagious rash keep me from having fun?
9.) I have an awesome multi-level marketing opportunity I wanted to share with you!
8.) (whispering, and pressing a folded up piece of paper into their hand) We only have a few minutes before they arrive. You need to deliver this message to the Rebel Alliance. Please, the fate of the Galaxy hangs in the balance!
7.) Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
6.) It is so good to be among friendly people. Ever since they started notifying neighbors about my sex offender status, I almost never get invited to parties.
5.) These hors d’ouvres are terrific! You would hardly know there was chinchilla in them!
4.) I had the hardest time finding something to wear that would conceal this ankle monitor.
3.) Ugh, I’ve put on so much weight since the alien abduction you’d think I was pregnant!
2.) Oh, I’m glad we ran into each other! My wife and I were just thinking how great it would be to have you guys come with us to the next “swinger’s night” at the Nursing home.
1.) Ever since I came to the acceptance that I’m a woman trapped inside of a man’s body, it has been so hard to decide what to wear to these parties.