Dear Readers, I feel I need to point out that today’s post is not a paid product endorsement. (However, if the good management at Duluth Trading Company should see fit to throw a gift card my way I would be more than willing to accept it.)
It has come to my attention that the bulk of the commenter’s on this site are female. Well, that’s not totally correct. It would be more accurate to say that it has come to the attention of Mrs. 20 Prospect that most of the commenter’s on this site are female. An observation that she somehow manages to mention to me no less than 3 times per day. So as a public service to all of my female readers, and their male counterparts, I am offering this holiday gift giving guide.
No seriously.
Ladies, whether or not your are married to a teamster, or an accountant that doesn’t know a Phillips head screwdriver, from one of those other kind of screw drivers, with the flat, slot, thingy on the end (OK, stop laughing) One thing is certain. In his mind, he thinks of himself as something like this:
or this…
or even this…
Yes, we are that self delusional. Please, don’t act so surprised.
And whatever you do, please do not point out the absurdity of our fantasy. We are very sensitive about our self image.
No ladies, if you want to do right by the man in your life you need to constantly reinforce the illusion that he could survive for a week in the wild with nothing but a book of matches and a Swiss Army knife. Waking him to the reality of his 21st Century girly man existence is as dangerous as waking a sleepwalker. He may never recover his soul.
But how, you ask, can a woman be expected to keep a straight face as her man sticks his head under the hood of the car and pretends to know what he is doing? How can you reinforce his imaginary self image without totally losing it?
That’s why I am here to help.
Ladies, I give you the Holiday Gift guide that is sure to make your man feel like Jason Statham building a log cabin with his bare hands.
Ladies, I give you The Duluth Trading Company
Yes ladies, trust me on this. ANYTHING you buy from this site will convince your man of two things:
1.) That you think of him as the kind of guy that could spend the morning branding cattle, and still have energy to punch out a team of ninja assassins before supper.
2.) That he really needs pants with the durability and strength of a firehose to sit on the couch for 8 hours watching football this Sunday.
Trust me, Duluth Trading Company is the G.I. Joe, to J. Crew’s Ken Doll. I don’t care if you’d rather go shopping and get a pedicure with Ken then spend the day sitting in a deer stand with G.I. Joe. Your man will feel much better about getting a pedicure if he’s wearing a pair of these to the spa:
And trust me, that Apple-tini flavored Vodka you have in the cupboard will taste more like something John Wayne would drink if he gets to swig it out of one of these:
Yes ladies, even your gay male friends will enjoy storing his nuts and bolt in one of these:
Not even considering their contributions to mens self image, we should forever be in debt to Duluth Trading Company for providing a simple solution to the age old scourge of plumber’s butt.
Yes Ladies. Duluth Trading Company simply cannot let you down this Christmas.
You can thank me later. Just not too much, or Mrs.. 20 Prospect will never let me hear the end of it.
Tell the Mrs. thank you for reminding you who we are, because dear God that was funny and hot!
And if we’re being honest, I think of myself as a flirty Victoria’s Secret model! If only there were someone around to share delusions with!
ENGAGE!
Men trying to APPEAR manly can look SO GAY. Bless their scruffy plaid little souls.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
What !?! You mean you girls are Victoria Secret Lingerie models? I feel so decieved…
Oh yeah! We’re all VS lingerie models by night, but by day we don’t like to intimidate or distract the meer mortals we interact with, so we don fat suits.
I call it a Reverse Fiona.
And speaking of John (ne Marion) Wayne, Jeff Bridges’s Rooster Cogburn would kick his ass.
My son and I are COUNTING THE DAYS until the Coen Brother’s remake of True Grit comes out. The preview we saw for it this past weekend looked awesome.
Don’t think I didn’t notice that you too go to Target to pick up tampons for your wife. This is my husbands number one most special task each and every month. HE LOVES IT!!!!
I like to scream instructions like “MAKE SURE YOU GET THE SUPER PINK ONES!”
I’m not satisfied until I release all my passive aggressive urges by properly emasculating him in public.
*insert sound of whip cracking here*
Just kidding, I’m just too lazy to buy them myself.
Anyway, having grown up in a home where I had to split wood with an axe for heating and chase vermin from the woodstove pipes with nothing more than a broom and a set of balls I am well equipped to survive any type of end times scenario so I don’t think I need the lumber jack coat for hubby but more for myself.
I am woman, hear me roar? I don’t know. Ignore me.
I’m starting to picture your childhood as a cross between Little House on the Prairie and Mommy Dearest. It seems to explain a lot.
I can’t focus. Jean Luc AND The Transporter. Be still, my heart and be moist, my panties.
I was considering adding NPH and Justin Timberlake, but I thought that might derail your whole afternoon.
So I’m saving them for another time.
I just melted.
Thank you, sir, for posting my picture. -Patrick Stewart
This comment brought to you by Wal-mart.
Engage!
this is like two lists in one: macho machines for the ladies shown in the top photos and studly superpower clothes for the men shown below.
And THAT is why it satisfies both my Clark Kent and Superman persona’s.
Man can boxers? I’ll buy those for my man just so I can keep the can! Does that still count as a gift for him?
If he’s your man, his can belongs to you whether he likes it or not.
All my dreams come true. Jason Statham and your blog. Merry Christmas to me……
I knew you’d like that!
Finding my way here through Absence of Alternatives. May I say – SWOON – you have a prominent liquor cabinet featured on your site, plus give shopping tips. No wonder all the ladies flock here!
Wait until you read one of my cooking posts!
OK, not really.
Although I have been told before that I’d have made a great gay guy. It was meant as a compliment, I think.
*swoon* Thank you, kind sir, for the picture of Jason Statham. And the Manly Men – that’s a pretty hot bunch of friends you’ve got. Any live in Cali?
I’m off the buy the Buck Naked underwear. Hey, a gal can wear those around the house if she wants to.
I’m sure you could find a lot of lumberjacks in San Francisco.
Sorry, I keep thinking about that Monty Python Lumberjack song…
As a very handsome albeit straight man, I have to say, I am most appreciative of this post.
Thanks Sir Sidney! I’m a huge fan of your work.
You are very welcome. Lately I have been rather enjoying the work by one young Isaiah Mustafa because he reminds me of myself when I was in my virile prime. So please don’t fret if I started to sound like him…
I think we’ve found you’re halloween costume for next year.
WTF, Tom???!!! Why did you steal a pic of He Who Loves All Things Wicked and try to pass it off as Jason Statham? While lots of people confuse the two, I can’t believe you actually tried to pull the wool over your readers eyes. *wags finger*
Careful Shawn, there are several known Jason Statham stalkers that frequent this blog. Letting them know that he who loves all things wicked is his twin might result in a few uninvited house guests.
For the record, at 5am, I am allowed to miss the apostrophe that should have been in reader’s. Which I just noticed. As for the house guests, uninvited is fine, that doesn’t mean they are unwelcome. 🙂
I just assumed you left out the punctuation to make me feel better about all the misspellings in my comments.
To Sir, With Love.
Right back at’cha Lulu!
Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner
I thought you were going to Chicago to dine with Sir Sidney?