REPENT! THE END IS NEAR!!!!


You’d think they’d have done a better job advertising it, but apparently the world is going to end on Saturday. I know! I just found out about it on Twitter myself!

Some really wise folks have interpreted the secret meanings of sacred scripture, to deduce that 5/21/2011 is the date for the Rapture. And by “interpret the secret meanings of scripture”, I mean “inhale too deeply while working in their basement meth lab”. Technically, it’s not the end of the world until October. The Rapture is just the date that God lets all the good students go out for recess once their assignments are done.

It’s times like this that I wish I had paid better attention in Religion class. But to be honest, I’m pretty sure that Sister Josepha left out the part about the rapture, to spend more time explaining the finer points of crucifixion. She was like that.

So if you are anything like I am, you haven’t been paying close enough attention to wild internet rumors, and conspiracy theories, and have failed to adequately prepare yourselves. Don’t worry! Be not afraid! 20 Prospect is here to help prepare you for the afterlife, with the

Top 10 Things to Do to Prepare for the Rapture

10.) Be sure to settle up with the paper boy. God hates deadbeats.

9.) You can spend Saturday whipping your back with willow branches, and chanting psalms, but set your DVR to record the game, just in case they’re wrong.

8.) The rapture is a “smart casual” occasion. Please dress accordingly, but wear sensible shoes. There may be some moderate walking involved.

7.) If you are one of the lucky ones taken up to heaven, remember to arrange for someone to let the dogs out, and feed the goldfish.

6.) Now would be a good time to talk with your friends, and see if you can have first dibs on their stuff.

5.) Put the yard work off till Sunday.

4.) Make sure your Tetanus booster is up to date. St. Peter is a real jerk about stuff like that.

3.) If you plan on bringing a gift, leave the frankincense & myrrh behind and bring a good Single Malt Scotch instead. Jesus likes Speyside.

2.) Two words: “Clean underwear”

1.) And finally, whatever you do PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO TURN OFF THE IRON! We are not turning around.

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22 thoughts on “REPENT! THE END IS NEAR!!!!

  1. I found out about this a month ago via a billboard. I didn’t share the info because I assumed it was a rolling rapture, hitting our part of the country on Saturday.

    My initial response was, “Holy damnation, the rapture is coming and I have nothing to wear!” Fortunately He is skilled at driving while laughing at me.

    Sensible shoes?!?!?!

    • Rolling Rapture. Hmm… interesting concept. It would make a lot of sense from a process point of view. I can imagine the traffic jams at the Pearly Gates if everyone shows up at the same time.

  2. I found out from Twitter as well. Someone pointed out that all of the “doomsday” folks would wake up Sunda morning and want their money back from the various “religious leaders” they’ve donated to.

    • I suppose the “religious leaders” will just call them all sinners, since they were “left behind”, and refuse to give a refund.

      If by chance they are right, that I’m thinking of holding of Left Behind barbeque on Sunday. You are all invited.

  3. If y’all start floating away on Saturday, I’m starting drinking. Wait, is it a coincidence that the world is supposed to end the same month the parasite is supposed to arrive? I THINK NOT!!!

  4. We need to start dealing with the new world order that will come about after all the freaking goody two shoes are Hoovered up into the vacuum bag of heavenly rewards.
    There are fire arms to load, shelves to stock with beer and satanic minions to ward off.
    Get busy.

    • What caliber rifle works best on Zombies? Or should I pass on accuracy and distance, and go with the tried and true shotgun? So many questions, so little time.

  5. Oh my God. “Smart casual”. 🙂 I think I love you.

    Pearl

    p.s. Have added you to my blogroll. You can’t stop me. Mwa ha ha ha haaaaa.

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