You’d think they’d have done a better job advertising it, but apparently the world is going to end on Saturday. I know! I just found out about it on Twitter myself!
Some really wise folks have interpreted the secret meanings of sacred scripture, to deduce that 5/21/2011 is the date for the Rapture. And by “interpret the secret meanings of scripture”, I mean “inhale too deeply while working in their basement meth lab”. Technically, it’s not the end of the world until October. The Rapture is just the date that God lets all the good students go out for recess once their assignments are done.
It’s times like this that I wish I had paid better attention in Religion class. But to be honest, I’m pretty sure that Sister Josepha left out the part about the rapture, to spend more time explaining the finer points of crucifixion. She was like that.
So if you are anything like I am, you haven’t been paying close enough attention to wild internet rumors, and conspiracy theories, and have failed to adequately prepare yourselves. Don’t worry! Be not afraid! 20 Prospect is here to help prepare you for the afterlife, with the
Top 10 Things to Do to Prepare for the Rapture
10.) Be sure to settle up with the paper boy. God hates deadbeats.
9.) You can spend Saturday whipping your back with willow branches, and chanting psalms, but set your DVR to record the game, just in case they’re wrong.
8.) The rapture is a “smart casual” occasion. Please dress accordingly, but wear sensible shoes. There may be some moderate walking involved.
7.) If you are one of the lucky ones taken up to heaven, remember to arrange for someone to let the dogs out, and feed the goldfish.
6.) Now would be a good time to talk with your friends, and see if you can have first dibs on their stuff.
5.) Put the yard work off till Sunday.
4.) Make sure your Tetanus booster is up to date. St. Peter is a real jerk about stuff like that.
3.) If you plan on bringing a gift, leave the frankincense & myrrh behind and bring a good Single Malt Scotch instead. Jesus likes Speyside.
2.) Two words: “Clean underwear”
1.) And finally, whatever you do PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO TURN OFF THE IRON! We are not turning around.