I have been traveling all too much lately. Now I’m not normally one to complain (cough, cough) but this work travel krep is getting old. Seriously, I’m now on year 21 of traveling “for business”. You’d think I would either get used to it, or shut the hell up and find a different job already.
Sorry, but the pay is too good. What can I say? I’m a corporate concubine. I have long since become numb to whatever shame I once felt about selling my soul for a slice of the middle class existence. Someone has to oppress the working class, and crush the dreams of the proletariat, it may as well be me.
It’s a living.
So I’m now on the right coast, for a few short days, soaking in the same blasted heat and humidity I left behind. It doesn’t fell any better here than it did back in Minnesota, in case you were wondering.
Maybe someday I will finally pull off a Shawshank Redemption like escape (minus the sewage pipe hopefully) and kiss corporate life good bye. But for the time being, this is what I do. I fly places, and talk with diverse and interesting people, then I move their jobs somewhere else. Sometimes when I’m feeling frisky I will even rip out their hearts and eat them while they are still beating. But I do that much less now that I’m watching my cholesterol. (The hearts of the working class are notoriously fatty).
So after 21 years in the industry of crushing hopes and dreams, and grinding them up in the gears of global capitalism, there are a few lessons that I have learned. Here’s some of them.
10.) In some cases the nearest exit may be behind you.
9.) Rocky Mountain oysters, aren’t oysters.
8.) You know you are traveling too much when the TSA stops buying you dinner before your anal probing.
7.) Eat yogurt with breakfast in foreign countries. Always.
6.) No matter what country you are traveling in, the salesmen always wear loafers and golf shirts.
5.) If you think that woman across the bar is staring at you, one of you has had too much to drink.
4.) Chicken’s Feet, are really chickens feet. (what the hell people?)
3.) Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.
2.) Alcohol will kill the taste of anything, but the sight of those swimming bugs will be seared into your memory.
1.) The mean distance between Dunkin’ Donuts’ in the State of Massachusetts is 0.62 miles.