Dear Ontario,
Howdy neighbor. I know it’s been a while since we’ve spoken. I suppose that it’s probably our fault, what with that whole mess we have out in front of the trailer. I’m sure after all the work you’ve put into fixing up the yard around Toronto, you’re probably less than enthused about looking down the street and seeing the old Chevy rusting out in the yard. Not to worry though, as soon as our next welfare check from Washington arrives, we plan on gettin’ her running again.
While I’ve got your attention, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about. You see, times have been kinda tough lately around Western New York. And by lately I mean the last 40 years. Jobs are few and far between, and we’re getting pretty damn sick of sending all of our tax dollars to Albany so they can blow it on hookers downstate. Yeah, we know it’s supposed to be a Democracy and all that, but just between us, Western New York has been an occupied colony of NYC for about 50 years. So that has got us to thinking that maybe we should secede from the United States, and become part of Canada.
I know this news is probably pretty shocking. Heck, the first time I heard someone say it I thought they’d been putting a little too much CC in their CC and Coke, but hear me out. The more I’ve thought about it, the more sense it makes. So I’ve put together a top ten list that I’d like to share with you. Now, I know you guys like to take your time to make decisions up there, heck, it took you about 30 years to sort out that whole Quebecois separatist thing. So just take this list home with you and think things over a little. I’m sure you’ll start to see things our way.
Top Ten Reasons why Western New York should become part of Ontario
10.) We understand hockey.
9.) We’re not French
8.) We know who Tim Horton was.
Hell, we even retired his jersey.
7.) We love donuts too!
mmm.... donuts
6.) We drink more Labatt’s Blue per capita than Doug and Bob McKenzie
Official Beer of WNY
5.) Did I mention we’re not French?
Damn straight
4.) Our rednecks are the same as your rednecks.
Your cousins!
My Cousin Chet Hammerton
3.) Pizza, Wings, and Beef on Weck.
Breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
2.) We have years of experience handling other peoples inmates and chemical waste, which will come in handy when your relatives from the Maritimes come to visit.
Love Canal
Attica
1.) The Bills would fit right into the CFL. Just think of the epic tailgating outside of the Ralph when the Ti-Cats, or Argos were playing?
So how about it neighbor? What do you say, eh?
The Bills have already played a few games in Toronto!
See, it’s like it is happening already.
How about if we take Ontario. We need the oil revenue. That way Buffalo gets to keep the Bills. Tom you know there are rumors they are coming to LA. Gaawwed the LA Bills. What the hell is an LA Bill?
The Bills leave Buffalo? No way. It would be like the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn, or the Lakers leaving Minneapolis.
You’re like a sneaky back door man trying to infiltrate Canada by plying it with beer and whispering sweet nothings in its ear.
Does that make Mexico the homely girlfriend, who has to look out for Canada’s interests?