It’s everyone’s favorite pagan holiday today. A day for dressing up in costumes, summoning the spirits of the dead, and drinking booze. OK, every holiday is for drinking booze. Well, the good holidays at least.
When I was a kid Halloween just involved candy, and vandalism. As you aged you got less and less of the former, and more and more of the latter. Going out alone to trick or treat was the norm for children from age 6. Parents stayed home handing out candy, and conspicuously cleaning their shotgun to discourage teenagers from throwing eggs at their house. Adults did not wear costumes, or put on makeup. Although in retrospect, the clothes they wore in the 70’s would pretty much qualify as costumes nowadays.
Sadly, those days are gone. The mass hysteria of the 70’s and 80’s when everyone became convinced that psychopaths were trying to slip razor blades and cyanide to little children, pretty much killed off trick or treating. And the increasing surveillance technology, and zero-tolerance police state greatly reduced the ability of feral teenagers to terrorize the populace.
In the place of old fashioned scary Halloween, we have created safe & fun Halloween®; a sanitized holiday with smiling black cats, and friendly ghosts. Children no longer trick or treat. Now they go to parties in brightly lit church rec rooms where they are lectured on the evils of sugar, and forced to eat vegetables.
What the hell fun is that?
Now the fun is reserved for the grownups. The increasing infantilism of our culture has turned Halloween into a holiday where adults play dress up, and blow more money than they do at any time except Christmas. Halloween® is big business.
Still, some of us prefer the good old fashioned, last minute, thrown together Halloween costume. So for all those people that are scrambling this afternoon to find something to wear tonight as they take their children to the local mall to trick or treat for toothbrushes, and sugar free gum, I give you the:
Top Five Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas
5.) Corporate Automaton – Just keep your work clothes on, and try not to wipe that dazed, thousand yard stare off of your face. Extra points for bringing powerpoint slides to the party. Extra-Extra points for checking your Blackberry when someone is speaking to you.
4.) Mammogram– Place a cardboard box with two large circular holes over your head. On the front of the box write “free breast exam”.
3.) Meth Addict – This is by far the most popular Halloween costume in Anoka County. Umm… those are costumes, right?
2.) Steve Jobs – Jeans, glasses, and a black turtleneck. The halo is no longer optional. This costume also gives you license to act like a total a-hole, so long as you have a shiny gadget in your hands.
1.) Brett Favre – He’s baaaaaack! AAAAIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!