The very latest in corporate micromanagement. Why trust your employees with such vital and costly resources as Post-It notes, and mechanical pencils, when you can manage the inventory with cutting edge vending technology? Better to treat your employees like inmates in an maximum security correctional facility, than responsible adults, and run the risk of someone taking a spiral notebook home for their kids. And who let them procreate? I bet that cost us some lost productivity.
These little beauties began appearing around the offices of my Dark Corporate Overlords last spring. The way they work is that employees are given a special card that they must use to remove an item from the office supply dispensing machine. The machine then records who removed what supply, and saves that data to a file that our building operations team can then analyze.
This is how we are going to grow our business to 2X it’s current revenue, and increase the value to our shareholders. By reducing the annual expense budget for Post-It notes through micromanagement, fear, and intimidation. Try it, it works!
My department has yet to receive one of these machines. Instead, we are somehow managing with an old fashioned file cabinet like Cro-Magnon’s used for storing their clubs. It’s been tough, what with the recent manilla folder scandal. I’m sure you read about it in the news. So we had to resort to locking the cabinet, and placing the key on a hook outside of the Administrative Assistant’s cube. This has deterred thieves from breaking into the cabinet after hours to stock up on 3.5 Floppy Disks.
Yes, we still have 3.5 Inch Floppy Disks in our file cabinet. The stock has been holding steady for quite sometime. In fact, I believe I am the only person who still uses them, as I keep a stack on my desk for use as coasters.
This reminds me of the “Great Supply Cabinet Lockdown of 2002”. Our department was suffering through a difficult patch when the General Manager extended emergency powers to his management staff to reduce our expenditures and save the fiscal year. The result was the immediate lockdown of the supply cabinet, and elimination of the office supply budget. Within weeks we were reduced to foraging through the office in search of pens, and pencils. Paper clips became a new currency, and sexual favors were being exchanged in the broom closet for stapler refills.
I never sank to such levels of depravity though. Instead I organized my team and performed late night raiding parties into rival departments where we plundered and pillaged all the hanging file folders, and highlighters we could carry. It was a difficult time, but there was a certain exhilaration that came from our exploits as Robin Hood and his Band of Merry Men, running wild through the Sherwood Forest of our cube farm. Sigh… how times have changed.
Soon we no longer need to worry about protecting those old 3.5 inch floppy disks from roving bands of Highwaymen. Soon they will be secured in the climate controlled vault of a Fastenal 5000! Where they will presumably remain until they are either donated to the Smithsonian, or unearthed by archeologists in 2250. I wonder what they will make of the coffee rings?