It was 56 and sunny on our Front Porch yesterday afternoon, a sure sign that the apocalypse is upon us. Granted, last year at this time it was subzero, and we had 2 feet of snow on the ground. That’s the beauty of climate change. When the weather doesn’t meet your preconceived notion of what it should be at any given moment you can point to climate change and say “told you so”.
As I’ve said many times, I moved to Minnesota for the cold. If I wanted to live in Kentucky I would have married my cousin. So these “La Nina”, or “Global Warming” induced winters depress the hell out of me. Sure, I don’t mind being able to get out on the bike in January, but it’s just not normal. I can’t help but to feel a sense of doom and dread that an environmental apocalypse is imminent. It’s just my nature.
It wasn’t always global warming that I obsessed about. As a kid in the 70’s I remember nightly news reports claiming we were heading into another ice age. Sitting in my desk in the back of Mrs. Meyer’s 5th grade classroom, I would look out the window and imagine a Batavia covered in glaciers, where we rode to school on snowmobiles, and lived in igloos.
Then there was the time in High School when I watched the TV Mini-Series “The Day After”, and spent two days in bed with the lights off, worrying about nuclear war.
But by far the greatest, most ever present threat to civilization in my childhood mind was neither man made, nor climate related. It was… KILLER BEES!
If you were a child in the 70’s, surely you remember the news stories about the impending arrival in the United States of swarms of deadly bees from South America. These aggressive, killer insects were buzzing Northwards like an enemy army bent on invasion. There was no escaping them. Soon they would be swarming on us, peppering us with lethal stings, the bodies of the dead rotting in the sunshine as the living hid inside their homes trying in vain to block every means of ingress.
They soon became a plot line in every bad TV docudrama, and inspired the John Belushi SNL skit. As a kid that wasn’t too thrilled about getting stung by a normal wasp, the thought of these killer bees the size of hummingbirds chasing me down the street terrified me. And I knew in my heart that the end of life as we knew it was inevitable. The nightly news told us so. There was no stopping their advance. Soon, we would be living like John Travolta in “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble”, only venturing outdoors in our space suits, to climb into the airlock on an armored school bus that would transport us to school. Soon we’d never again be able to play outdoors, and would sit in the windows longingly gazing upon the verdant green grass of our lawns as bees patrolled the yard.
It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for the Bee-Pocalypse. I wonder whatever became of them? Did they get to the border and decide to settle down. Did their little wings freeze during the blizzard years of 77’ and 78’, forcing them to have to crawl the rest of the way?
It’s the 21st century, and the internet has not only made p0rn available to the masses, but is has also become the source of endless conspiracy stories and apocalyptic rumors. We’ve got the Canary Island Mega-tsunami, the Yellowstone Super-Volcano, Nibiru (planet X), the impending Alien un-veiling, secret world governments, and countless Masonic / Jesuit / Bilderberger / Bohemian Grove conspiracies to worry about. But what has happened to the killer bees? C’mon Internet, don’t fail me now!