Each month I look forward to Bugginword’s monthly “Search Optimizationish” post, where Elly lists all the bizarre search terms that people were using when they landed on her blog. She never fails to have the most amusing, and creepy search terms, and they are often a goldmine for comment memes. Among my favorites “Flavor Flav Wine”, “brave snail sex”, “minty fresh drag queen”, and who could forget “dirty feckin’ velociraptor”?
Following those posts I always look into my own WordPress Dashboard to see what kind of funny things people are searching for when they land on my Front Porch. Sadly, I have a very unimaginative readership apparently. The best they have been able to muster has been “Cornish Pasty”, and “Grandpa Simpson”. And despite my obvious love of both Cornish Pasties and Grandpa Simpson, these are not the most entertaining of topics.
Well all that has changed! I am proud, and somewhat frightened, to report that in the last week I have had visitors to my front porch who were searching for the following:
“Korean Humor” – All successful bloggers will tell you the key is to identify a niche market, and focus your writing on it. As you all know, in the past 2 years of blogging 20 Prospect has become synonymous with “Korean Humor”. Mission accomplished.
“1975 Banana Seat Sears” – I’m thinking of making this my new tagline. It’s hard to find four words that more accurately describe 20 Prospect than “1975 Banana Seat Sears”. It could be my elevator pitch when I propose the 20 Prospect Movie to a Hollywood Exec.
“feathered Polish Lancers” – NOW we’re talking! If you are going to outfit some Polish Lancers, you most definitely want to include feathers. I mean really, who would want unfeathered Polish Lancers? Four out of five minty fresh drag queens approve.
“Crack Rock Grave” – I like to think this is an updated version of Rock Paper Scissors. “Crack” beats “Rock”, “Grave” beats “Crack”, but how does “Rock” beat “Grave”? Clearly I need to do some research here.
“Minotaur P0rn” – Umm… OK. I guess that if there’s one thing I should have learned on the interwebz by now it’s the fact that there is no fetish too bizarre, gross, or obscure to have a devoted following somewhere. I just sincerely hope that the Minotaur fetishers don’t live in my neighborhood.
“P0rno maize” – Apparently there is a Native American with a Corn Fetish. I wonder if he likes Minotaurs?
but without a doubt, the winner is:
“8th grade secret story my girlfriend behind the school happy ending” – This insightful person has managed to capture the essence of every blog post I have ever written in these eleven words. I’m having them engraved on my tombstone. Or as I like to call it, my crack rock grave.
20 Prospect 
20 Prospect – “1975 Banana Seat Sears”:
Nobody gets Korean Humor like Tom at 20 Prospect. If you enjoy jokes that are written in English, but appeal to Korean humorists, you will enjoy viewing Minotaur p0rn here. That’s not all that 20 Prospect has to offer, though. Play an old-school game of Crack Rock Grave and you might find yourself shopping eBay for feathered Polish Lancers, just to keep up with Tom’s forward-thinking fashion sense.
As a measure of quality, visitors must first make their way through a P0rno maize, which is like a corn maze, but clearly the internet equivalent to flattened stalks. If you make it through, the climax is in the writing.
It sounds great when you say it in an Infomercial Voice.
You might think a site like this would cost a hundred dollars but, if you act now, all this content is yours for 4 easy payments of $24.99! As a special promotional offer, if you’re one of the first 50 callers and have purple hair, you get a free oven mitt! This oven mitt is made from the finest recycled toilet paper from the homes of reasonably well-known celebrities, and recycled for your children’s future. The paper is churned, dried and quilted by state-of-the-art machines and shipped, here, to the USA!
Operators are standing by, idly.
Thank you Billy Mays. Your special bonus Sham Wow is in the mail.
Dude, you should be in marketing! I almost want me some of that!
But I don’t have $100 or purple hair. And I’m very sensative about it!
No, it’s not $100, it’s a payment system, see? It’s under $100! See?!? Don’t you see it?!? Why can’t you see the savings?!?!!?!?!??!?! im going to kill you
Ha ha. Just kidding. But you can imagine what it’d be like if I wasn’t.
What if I was your crazy neighbor? Something to think about.
Man, I’m creepy.
Rock beats Grave because after you fill one in you put a giant rock in front of it, which will fall down and smash any zombie that tries to escape from it.
That’s how grave (rock) stones work, right?
THATS IT!!!!!!
i’m beginning to think i’m the only one without feathers, damnit!
Haven’t you heard? Bird is the word…
Obviously the person searching for Minotaur porn was a poor speller because they were CLEARLY trying to type MAZE instead of MAIZE. Any good cave dweller will tell you that all Minotaurs prefer the homey complications of a twisted labyrinth for hot steamy soft core erotica.
Sheesh. Am I the only one who knows these things?
You should pay closer attention to your spelling when googling. You never know where you’ll end up.
When you say “Korean humor” I think “He look like a man!” (I hope you know this reference? Otherwise I am just being weird with Chinese humor…)
You may have found your soul mate. Too bad the internet is not advanced enough for your to track down who searched for the last one.
I tell you evryting!
Oooh oooh! I was born in 1975 AND I had a banana seat bike! But . . . I guess that doesn’t really explain anything about anything here. But it’s the only one I get. The 8th grade happy ending, well . . . nope, I can’t relate, darnit.
It ended! You moved on to 9th grade. Sounds like a happy ending to me.