A Major Award

Yes I feel like the “Old Man” from A Christmas Story this morning, for I have won a major award!

What is this major award you might ask. Is it a leg lamp?

No it is not a leg lamp.

Have I finally been crowned king of the internet?

No, I am not the king of the internet. Not even the court jester. I’m like the guy that cleans the stables’, second cousin Eddie. No, not that Eddie, the other Eddie. The short one with the funny nose.

Today I have been bequeathed with the “Life is Good” award by the lovely and talented Stephanie over at “Seriously??… Reeeally?….. Seriously?”

I think it could use a unicorn, but then again, couldn't we all?

Please, go on over and check her out if you haven’t already.

And by check her out I meant read her blog people. Jeez, get your minds out of the gutter.

Please don’t be intimidated by the fact she’s Canadian. We welcome all sorts of peoples here on the Front Porch. Even Canadian’s. In fact, I can speak a little Canadian so that helps.

Not only is she a talented and funny writer, she is also very easy to blackmail. She pretty much coughed up this award without so much as contacting the RCMP. (That’s Canadian for Royal Canadian Mounted Police. You know, those Dudley Do Right guys that protect the King and Queen of Canada)

(Closed circuit to Stephanie. The pictures and negatives will be arriving via UPS in the next day or two)

So this is the point in the blog where I am supposed to graciously accept the award, and blush about how I don’t deserve it. Screw that.

WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG INTERWEBZ?

I have been blogging my butt off for almost two years, and this is the first award I have received. Nice interwebz, real nice. You really know how to make a guy feel loved. Now if you’ll excuse me, I will continue with this post so I can get back to stalking you all. A serial killer’s work is never done.

The way that these internet award thingies work is this; To receive the award you have to answer some questions, then turn around and forward the award and the questions to another blogger.

What do you mean this sounds like a chain letter? It’s a MAJOR AWARD PEOPLE!

Ahem:

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren’t anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

I find that being a 300 lb serial killer requires a certain amount of anonymity even in these permissive, immoral times in which we live. I had considered blogging under my own name but the little voices inside my head advised against it. Right after they told me that Michael J. Fox is the antichrist. He’s also Canadian. I’m not sure if the two are connected. You’ll have to ask Stephanie.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side.

I am proud to announce that my watch is now working again. Last month I had the battery replaced. It died in June. So for the last 6 months I have been going without a watch as I slumped through the days sagging under the burden of knowing that I had to replace my watch battery. Now that I have accomplished that feat, and freed myself from the tyranny of self doubt and anxiety, I can go back to worrying about getting my oil changed in the Mazda.

OK, re-reading that I realize that it’s probably more an example of laziness than it is stubbornness, but I wrote it and I am NOT going to go back and edit it at this point.

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

Four cheeks and a couple of chins. (My six pack abs are hidden beneath several six packs at the moment. Sorry ladies.)

4. What is your favorite summer cold drink?

I hate when I have summer colds. They are the absolute worse. I think because the weather is so nice, and there you are laying on the couch in a pile of Kleenex wishing someone would just put a bullet into your head. So I guess I have to say I don’t really drink much beside water, and some warm 7-Up mixed with Pedialite. It’s good, you should try it.

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?

Can you elaborate on this “time for yourself” thing? I seem to recall having something similar once, but since Lil’ Miss 20 Prospect and 20 Prospect Jr. came on the scene I’ve forgotten. I also used to have a wife, but I seemed to have misplaced her at the moment. It’s entirely possible we forgot and left her at the hockey rink, or gym. Then again, maybe I should check the laundry room.

Excuse me.

Yep, she was in the Laundry Room.

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?

Something. Anything. If you have an idea what it might be, please let me know. I tried Opera, and Interpretive Dance, before this blogging thing but I have yet to make my mark in any of them.

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person or always ditching?

I was a hormone addled, frustrated wallflower as my stories on this blog have highlighted in excruciatingly painful detail.

8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?

Did my therapist put you up to this question? Because I’ve already told her about the incident in Mexico with the maracas, and the baby goats, and I do not want to talk about it again.

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?

Do my evasive answers to these questions give you any indication? No? Damn. I guess I can’t deny it. I like to open a vein from time to time, and lay it all out there. It’s a stunning act of courage to step up and take ownership of your life by sharing it with others anonymously.

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

Do you mean talk on the phone with another person? I mean like, a human being? Because I’m not really into that touchy, feely, communication stuff.

WHEW!!! That was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I’m exhausted from the interrogation. Was it just me or was there really a bright light shining in my face?

So, the time has come to tag another couple of people in this game of internet tag. So I have chosen to bestow this honor upon two of the funniest 300 lb Serial Killers ladies on the interweb, whose blogs don’t get anywhere near the traffic they deserve. So come on people, let’s give it up for;

Dufmanno, and Sister Merry Hellish, of Inside Out and Backwards!

Tag you’re it!

*runs away*

*shouts over shoulder*

NO GIVEBACKS!!!